You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
