I haven't been this sober since birth.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
