and she was petting her beer can
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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