better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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