i wish my penis had a tongue
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
