I need to stop coming to work sober
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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