That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
