So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
