Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
