Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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