Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
