She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
