No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize