I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
