there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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