I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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