Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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