Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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