also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
