I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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