im six kinds of drunk right now
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
