If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
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