guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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