How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize