I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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