from now on my penis is your penis
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
