OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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