i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
