rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
