God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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