his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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