I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
