I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
