im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
