So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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