i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
