I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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