The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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