why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
