Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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