pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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