he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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