she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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