someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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