I think I won the penis lottery.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
