Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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