Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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