Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
