By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
