she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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