I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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