MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
