I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
