I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
