I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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