I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
